Squirrels in churches

There were five country churches in a small TEXAS town:
The Presbyterian church, the Baptist church, the Methodist church, the Catholic Church and the Jewish Synagogue.

Each church and synagogue was overrun with pesky squirrels.

One day, the Presbyterian church called a meeting to decide what to do about the squirrels.

 

After much prayer and consideration they determined that the squirrels were predestined to be there and they shouldn’t interfere with God’s divine will.

 

In the BAPTIST CHURCH the squirrels had taken up habitation in the baptistery. The deacons met and decided to put a cover on the baptistery and drown the squirrels in it. The squirrels escaped somehow and there were twice as many there the next week.

The Methodist church got together and decided that they were not in a position to harm any of God’s creation. So, they humanely trapped the Squirrels and set them free a few miles outside of town. Three days later, the squirrels were back.

But the Catholic church came up with the best and most effective solution. They baptized the squirrels and registered them as members of the church. Now they only see them on Christmas and Easter.

 

Not much was heard about the Jewish Synagogue, but they took one squirrel and had a short service with him called ‘circumcision’ and they haven’t seen a squirrel on their property ever since.

Real story – OMG

hot and cold sex

After his exam the doctor said to the elderly man: “You appear to be in good health. Do you have any medical concerns you would like to ask me about?”

“In fact, I do,” said the old man.

“After I have sex I am usually cold and chilly, and then, after I have sex with her the second time, I am usually hot and sweaty.”

After examining his elderly wife, the doctor said: “Everything appears to be fine. Do you have any medical concerns that you would like to discuss with
me?”

The lady replied that she had no questions or concerns.

The doctor then said to her: “Your husband had an unusual concern. He claims that he is usually cold and chilly after having sex with you the first time, and then hot and sweaty after the second time. Do you know why?”

“Oh, that crazy old fart,” she replied. “That’s because the first time is usually in winter and the second time is in summer.”

Anagrams

DORMITORY:

When you rearrange the letters:

DIRTY ROOM

PRESBYTERIAN:

When you rearrange the letters:

BEST IN PRAYER

ASTRONOMER:

When you rearrange the letters:

MOON STARER

DESPERATION:

When you rearrange the letters:

A ROPE ENDS IT

 

THE EYES:

When you rearrange the letters:

THEY SEE

GEORGE BUSH:

When you rearrange the letters:

HE BUGS GORE

THE MORSE CODE:

When you rearrange the letters:

HERE COME DOTS

SLOT MACHINES:

When you rearrange the letters:

CASH LOST IN ME

ANIMOSITY:

When you rearrange the letters:

IS NO AMITY

 

ELECTION RESULTS:

When you rearrange the letters:

LIES – LET’S RECOUNT

MOTHER-IN-LAW:

When you rearrange the letters:

WOMAN HITLER

SNOOZE ALARMS:

When you rearrange the letters:

ALAS! NO MORE Z ‘S

A DECIMAL POINT:

When you rearrange the letters:

IM A DOT IN PLACE

THE EARTHQUAKES:

When you rearrange the letters:

THAT QUEER SHAKE

 

ELEVEN PLUS TWO:

When you rearrange the letters:

TWELVE PLUS ONE

AND FOR THE GRAND FINALE:

PRESIDENT CLINTON OF THE USA:

When you rearrange the letters

(With no letters left over and using each

letter only once):

TO COPULATE HE FINDS INTERNS

Yep! Someone with waaaaaaaaaaay too much time on their hands! Bet your friends haven’t seen this one!!!

DON’T FORGET TO SHARE THIS!

 

Colonoscopies are no joke

Colonoscopies are no joke , but these comments during the exam were
quite humorous….. A physician claimed that the following are actual
comments made by his patients (predominately male) while he was
performing their colonoscopies:

1. “Take it easy, Doc. You’re boldly going where no man has gone
before!

2. “Find Amelia Earhart yet?”

3. “Can you hear me NOW?”

4. “Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?”

5. “You know, in Arkansas, we’re now legally married.”

6. “Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?”

7. “You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out…”

8. “Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!”

9. “If your hand doesn’t fit, you must quit!

10. “Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity.”

11. “You used to be an executive at Enron, didn’t you?”

12. “God, now I know why I am not gay.”

And the best one of all…

13. “Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not up
here?”

In Honor of Stupid People

In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed through stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods.

On a Sears hairdryer —

Do not use while sleeping.

(That’s the only time I have to work on my hair.)

On a bag of Fritos —

You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.

(the shoplifter special?)

On a bar of Dial soap —

“Directions: Use like regular soap.”

(and that would be???….)

On some Swanson frozen dinners —

“Serving suggestion: Defrost.”

(but, it’s just a suggestion.)

On Tesco’s Tiramisu dessert

(printed on bottom) —

“Do not turn upside down.”

(well…duh, a bit late, huh!)

On Marks &Spencer Bread Pudding —

“Product will be hot after heating.”

(and you thought?)

On packaging for a Rowenta iron —

“Do not iron clothes on body.”

(but wouldn’t this save me time?)

On Boot’s Children Cough Medicine —

“Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this

medication.”

(We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction

accidents if we could just get those 5 year-olds with

head-colds off those bulldozers.)

On Nytol

Sleep Aid —

“Warning: May cause drowsiness.”

(I’m taking this because?) ?

On most brands of Christmas lights

— “For indoor or outdoor use only.”

(as opposed to what?)

On a Japanese food processor —

“Not to be used for the other use.”

(now, somebody out there, help me on this. I’m a bit curious.)

On a Swedish chainsaw

— “Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals.”

(Oh my ..was there a lot of this happening somewhere?)

Now that you’ve smiled at least once, it’s your turn to spread the stupidity and send this to someone you want to bring a smile to (maybe even chuckle)…

Joke with rabbi

A rabbi was walking home from the Temple and saw one of his good friends, a pious and learned man who could usually beat the rabbi in an argument.

The rabbi started walking faster so that he could catch up to his friend, when he was horrified to see his friend go into a Chinese restaurant (not a kosher one).

Standing at the door, he observed his friend talking to a waiter and gesturing at a menu. A short time later, the waiter reappeared carrying a platter full of spare ribs, shrimp in lobster sauce, crab rangoon, and other treif (non-kosher food) that the rabbi could not bear to think about.

As his friend picked up the chopsticks and began to eat this food, the rabbi burst into the restaurant and reproached his friend, for he could take it no longer.”Morris, what is this you are doing? I saw you come into this restaurant, order this filth and now you are eating it in violation of everything we are taught about the dietary laws, and with an apparent enjoyment that does not befit your pious reputation!”

Morris replied, “Rabbi, did you see me enter this restaurant?” The rabbi nods yes.

“Did you see me order this meal?” Again he nods yes.

“Did you see the waiter bring me this food?” Again he nods yes.

“And did you see me eat it?” Nods yes.

“Then, rabbi, I don’t see the problem here. The entire thing was done under rabbinical supervision!”

OMG

All I can say is OMG!!

NEW YORK – Idaho resident Kathy Evans brought humiliation to her friends and family Tuesday when she set a new standard for stupidity with her appearance on the popular TV show, “Who Wants To Be A Millionaire.”

It seems that Evans, a 32-year-old wife and mother of two, got stuck on the first question, and proceeded to make what fans of the show are dubbing “the absolute worst use of lifelines ever.”

After being introduced to the show’s host Meredith Vieira, Evans assured her that she was ready to play, whereupon she was posed with an extremely easy $100 question. The question was:

“Which of the following is the largest?”
A) A Peanut
B) An Elephant
C) The Moon
D) Hey, who you calling large?

Immediately Mrs. Evans was struck with an all consuming panic as she realized that this was a question to which she did not readily know the answer.

“Hmm, oh boy, that’s a toughie,” said Evans, as Vieira did her level best to hide her disbelief and disgust. “I mean, I’m sure I’ve heard of some of these things before, but I have no idea how large they would be.”

Evans made the decision to use the first of her three lifelines, the 50/50. Answers A and D were removed, leaving her to decide which was bigger, an elephant or the moon. However, faced with an incredibly easy question, Evans still remained unsure.

“Oh! It removed the two I was leaning towards!” exclaimed Evans. “Darn. I think I better phone a friend.”

Using the second of her two lifelines on the first question, Mrs. Evans asked to be connected with her friend Betsy, who is an office assistant.

“Hi Betsy! How are you? This is Kathy! I’m on TV!” said Evans, wasting the first seven seconds of her call. “Ok, I got an important question. Which of the following is the largest? B, an elephant, or C, the moon. 15 seconds hun.”

Betsy quickly replied that the answer was C, the moon. Evans proceeded to argue with her friend for the remaining ten seconds.

“Come on Betsy, are you sure?” said Evans. “How sure are you? Puh, that can’t be it.”

To everyone’s astonishment, the moronic Evans declined to take her friend’s advice and pick ‘The Moon.’

“I just don’t know if I can trust Betsy. She’s not all that bright. So I think I’d like to ask the audience,” said Evans.

Asked to vote on the correct answer, the audience returned 98% in favor of answer C, ‘The Moon.’ Having used up all her lifelines, Evans then made the dumbest choice of her life.

“Wow, seems like everybody is against what I’m thinking,” said the too-stupid-to-live Evans. “But you know, sometimes you just got to go with your gut. So, let’s see. For which is larger, an elephant or the moon, I’m going to have to go with B, an elephant. Final answer.”

Evans sat before the dumbfounded audience, the only one waiting with bated breath, and was told that she was wrong, and that the answer was in fact, C, ‘The Moon.’

Brain power

Read out loud the text inside the triangle below.

More than likely you said, “A bird in the bush,” and……..
if this IS what YOU said, then you failed to see
that the word THE is repeated twice!
Sorry, look again.

Next, let’s play with some words.

 
What do you see?

In black you can read the word GOOD, in white the word EVIL
(inside each black letter is a white letter). It’s all very physiological too,
because it visualizes the concept that good can’t exist without evil
or the absence of good is evil ).

Now, what do you see?

You may not see it at first, but the white spaces read the word optical,
the blue landscape reads the word illusion. Look again!
Can you see why this painting is called an optical illusion?

 

What do you see here?

This one is quite tricky!
The word TEACH reflects as LEARN.

Last one.

What do you see?

You probably read the word ME in brown, but…….
when you look through ME
you will see
YOU!

Do you need to look again?

Test Your Brain

This is really cool.

The second one is amazing so please read all the way though.

ALZHEIMERS’ EYE TEST

Count every “F ” in the following text:

FINISHED FILES ARE THE RE
SULT OF YEARS OF SCIENTI
FIC STUDY COMBINED WITH
THE EXPERIENCE OF YEARS…

(SEE BELOW)

HOW MANY ?

WRONG, THERE ARE 6 — no joke.
READ IT AGAIN !
Really, go Back and Try to find the 6 F’s before you scroll down.

The reasoning behind is further down.

The brain cannot process “OF”.

Incredible or what? Go back and look again!!

Anyone who counts all 6 “F’s” on the first go is a genius.

Three is normal, four is quite rare.

Send this to your friends.
It will drive them crazy.!
And keep them occupied
For several minutes..!




More Brain Stuff . . From Cambridge University

Olny srmat poelpe can raed tihs.

cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg. The
phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid, aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy,

it deosn’t mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit a porbelm.

Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a w lohe. Amzanig huh? yaeh and I awlyas tghuhot slpeling was ipmorantt! if
you can raed tihs psas it on !!

PsasTiON

Police comments

15 “Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they’re new. They’ll stretch
after you wear them a while

# 14 “If you take your hands off the car, I’ll make your birth certificate a
worthless document.”

#13 “If you run, you’ll only go to jail tired.”

#12 “Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? Because that’s the speed
of the bullet that’ll be chasing you.”

#11 “You don’t know how fast you were going? I guess that means I can write
anything I want to on the ticket, huh?”

#10 “Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don’t think it
will help. Oh, did I mention that I am the shift supervisor?”

#9 “Warning! You want a warning? O. K., I’m warning you not to do that again
or I’ll give you another ticket.”

#8 “The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or
not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?”

#7 “Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to
ride on rides, eat cotton candy and corn dogs and step in monkey poop.”

#6 “Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster
oven.”

#5 “In God we trust, all others we run through NCIC.”

#4 “How big were those ‘Just two beers’ you say you had?”

#3 “No sir, we don’t have quotas anymore. We used to, but now we’re allowed
to write as many tickets as we can.”

#2 “I’m glad to hear that Chief (of Police) Hawker is a personal friend of
yours. So you know someone who can post your bail.”