hot and cold sex

After his exam the doctor said to the elderly man: “You appear to be in good health. Do you have any medical concerns you would like to ask me about?”

“In fact, I do,” said the old man.

“After I have sex I am usually cold and chilly, and then, after I have sex with her the second time, I am usually hot and sweaty.”

After examining his elderly wife, the doctor said: “Everything appears to be fine. Do you have any medical concerns that you would like to discuss with
me?”

The lady replied that she had no questions or concerns.

The doctor then said to her: “Your husband had an unusual concern. He claims that he is usually cold and chilly after having sex with you the first time, and then hot and sweaty after the second time. Do you know why?”

“Oh, that crazy old fart,” she replied. “That’s because the first time is usually in winter and the second time is in summer.”

Anagrams

DORMITORY:

When you rearrange the letters:

DIRTY ROOM

PRESBYTERIAN:

When you rearrange the letters:

BEST IN PRAYER

ASTRONOMER:

When you rearrange the letters:

MOON STARER

DESPERATION:

When you rearrange the letters:

A ROPE ENDS IT

 

THE EYES:

When you rearrange the letters:

THEY SEE

GEORGE BUSH:

When you rearrange the letters:

HE BUGS GORE

THE MORSE CODE:

When you rearrange the letters:

HERE COME DOTS

SLOT MACHINES:

When you rearrange the letters:

CASH LOST IN ME

ANIMOSITY:

When you rearrange the letters:

IS NO AMITY

 

ELECTION RESULTS:

When you rearrange the letters:

LIES – LET’S RECOUNT

MOTHER-IN-LAW:

When you rearrange the letters:

WOMAN HITLER

SNOOZE ALARMS:

When you rearrange the letters:

ALAS! NO MORE Z ‘S

A DECIMAL POINT:

When you rearrange the letters:

IM A DOT IN PLACE

THE EARTHQUAKES:

When you rearrange the letters:

THAT QUEER SHAKE

 

ELEVEN PLUS TWO:

When you rearrange the letters:

TWELVE PLUS ONE

AND FOR THE GRAND FINALE:

PRESIDENT CLINTON OF THE USA:

When you rearrange the letters

(With no letters left over and using each

letter only once):

TO COPULATE HE FINDS INTERNS

Yep! Someone with waaaaaaaaaaay too much time on their hands! Bet your friends haven’t seen this one!!!

DON’T FORGET TO SHARE THIS!

 

Colonoscopies are no joke

Colonoscopies are no joke , but these comments during the exam were
quite humorous….. A physician claimed that the following are actual
comments made by his patients (predominately male) while he was
performing their colonoscopies:

1. “Take it easy, Doc. You’re boldly going where no man has gone
before!

2. “Find Amelia Earhart yet?”

3. “Can you hear me NOW?”

4. “Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?”

5. “You know, in Arkansas, we’re now legally married.”

6. “Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?”

7. “You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out…”

8. “Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!”

9. “If your hand doesn’t fit, you must quit!

10. “Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity.”

11. “You used to be an executive at Enron, didn’t you?”

12. “God, now I know why I am not gay.”

And the best one of all…

13. “Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not up
here?”

Joke with rabbi

A rabbi was walking home from the Temple and saw one of his good friends, a pious and learned man who could usually beat the rabbi in an argument.

The rabbi started walking faster so that he could catch up to his friend, when he was horrified to see his friend go into a Chinese restaurant (not a kosher one).

Standing at the door, he observed his friend talking to a waiter and gesturing at a menu. A short time later, the waiter reappeared carrying a platter full of spare ribs, shrimp in lobster sauce, crab rangoon, and other treif (non-kosher food) that the rabbi could not bear to think about.

As his friend picked up the chopsticks and began to eat this food, the rabbi burst into the restaurant and reproached his friend, for he could take it no longer.”Morris, what is this you are doing? I saw you come into this restaurant, order this filth and now you are eating it in violation of everything we are taught about the dietary laws, and with an apparent enjoyment that does not befit your pious reputation!”

Morris replied, “Rabbi, did you see me enter this restaurant?” The rabbi nods yes.

“Did you see me order this meal?” Again he nods yes.

“Did you see the waiter bring me this food?” Again he nods yes.

“And did you see me eat it?” Nods yes.

“Then, rabbi, I don’t see the problem here. The entire thing was done under rabbinical supervision!”

Police comments

15 “Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they’re new. They’ll stretch
after you wear them a while

# 14 “If you take your hands off the car, I’ll make your birth certificate a
worthless document.”

#13 “If you run, you’ll only go to jail tired.”

#12 “Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? Because that’s the speed
of the bullet that’ll be chasing you.”

#11 “You don’t know how fast you were going? I guess that means I can write
anything I want to on the ticket, huh?”

#10 “Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don’t think it
will help. Oh, did I mention that I am the shift supervisor?”

#9 “Warning! You want a warning? O. K., I’m warning you not to do that again
or I’ll give you another ticket.”

#8 “The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or
not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?”

#7 “Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to
ride on rides, eat cotton candy and corn dogs and step in monkey poop.”

#6 “Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster
oven.”

#5 “In God we trust, all others we run through NCIC.”

#4 “How big were those ‘Just two beers’ you say you had?”

#3 “No sir, we don’t have quotas anymore. We used to, but now we’re allowed
to write as many tickets as we can.”

#2 “I’m glad to hear that Chief (of Police) Hawker is a personal friend of
yours. So you know someone who can post your bail.”

The old man and the naked women

An elderly man in North Carolina had owned a large farm for several  years.  He had a large pond in the back, fixed up nice; picnic tables,  horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees. The pond was properly shaped and fixed up for swimming when it was built. One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn’t been there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a five gallon bucket to bring back some fruit. As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.

As he came closer , he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end.

 

One of the women shouted to him, “We’re not coming out until you leave!” The old man frowned and replied, “I didn’t come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked.”
Holding the bucket up he said, “I’m here to feed the alligator.”

Moral: SOME old men can still think fast.

Watch your tongue

It has been brought to management’s attention that some individuals throughout the company have been using foul language during the course of normal conversation with their co-workers.

Due to complaints received from some employees who may be easily offended, this type of language will no longer be tolerated. We do however, realize the critical importance of being able to accurately express your feelings when communicating with co-workers. Therefore, a list of 18 New and Innovative “TRY SAYING” phrases have been provided so that proper exchange of ideas and information can continue in an effective manner.

1) TRY SAYING: I think you could use more training.

INSTEAD OF: You don’t know what the f___ you’re doing.

2) TRY SAYING: She’s an aggressive go-getter.

INSTEAD OF: She’s a ball-busting b__ch.

3) TRY SAYING: Perhaps I can work late.

INSTEAD OF: And when the f___ do you expect me to do this?

4) TRY SAYING: I’m certain that isn’t feasible.

INSTEAD OF: No f____ing way.

5) TRY SAYING: Really?

INSTEAD OF: You’ve got to be sh__ing me!

6) TRY SAYING: Perhaps you should check with…

INSTEAD OF: Tell someone who gives a sh__.

7) TRY SAYING: I wasn’t involved in the project.

INSTEAD OF: It’s not my f______ problem.

8 ) TRY SAYING: That’s interesting.

INSTEAD OF: What the f___?

9) TRY SAYING: I’m not sure this can be implemented.

INSTEAD OF: This sh__ won’t work.

10) TRY SAYING: I’ll try to schedule that.

INSTEAD OF: Why the f____ didn’t you tell me sooner?

11) TRY SAYING: He’s not familiar with the issues.

INSTEAD OF: He’s got his head up his a__.

12) TRY SAYING: Excuse me, sir?

INSTEAD OF: Eat sh__ and die.

13) TRY SAYING: So you weren’t happy with it?

INSTEAD OF: Kiss my a__.

14) TRY SAYING: I’m a bit overloaded at the moment.

INSTEAD OF: F___ it, I’m on salary.

15) TRY SAYING: I don’t think you understand.

INSTEAD OF: Shove it up your a__.

16) TRY SAYING: I love a challenge.

INSTEAD OF: This job sucks.

17) TRY SAYING: You want me to take care of that?

INSTEAD OF: Who the h___ died and made you boss?

18 ) TRY SAYING: He’s somewhat insensitive.

INSTEAD OF: He’s a pr_ck.

Thank You,

Human Resources
__._,_.___

Joke with parrots

A woman goes to her rabbi with a serious problem. 

Her two female parrots have picked up a bad habit.
Any time she has visitors, the two parrots embarrass her by saying, in unison, “Hi! We’re hookers. Want to have some fun?”
To her surprise, the rabbi breaks into a smile, explaining that he has two male parrots which he has trained to pray and who’ve become very observant, spending much of the day davening in their cage.
He’s confident that if the woman brings her two parrots over to his house, his two parrots will exert such a positive influence that her birds will turn into model parrots.
The next day the woman drives over to the rabbi’s house and brings her two parrots into his home.
As she looks around, she notices a large cage with two parrots, each wearing a little kippah and tiny  tallis and each holding a miniature prayer book while they rock back and forth in prayer. Sure enough, as soon as she places her parrots in the cage, they shout out to their male counterparts:  “Hi! We’re hookers. Want to have some fun?” 

One of the rabbi’s parrots immediately turns to the other, squawking:

“Moishe, put the F’n book down. Our prayers have been answered!”

my favourite joke

Chatting with a bull, a turkey sighed and said, “I would love
to be able to get to the top of that tree, but I haven’t got
the energy.”

“Well, why don’t you nibble on some of my droppings?” replied
the bull. “They’re packed with nutrients.”

The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it actually
gave him enough strength to reach the first branch of the tree.

The next day, after eating some more dung, the turkey reached
the second branch. Finally, after a week, there he was, proudly
perched at the top of the tree.

Soon, though, the turkey was promptly spotted by a farmer, who
shot the turkey from the tree.

Moral of the story: Bullshit might get you to the top, but it
won’t keep you there!

funny items