Squirrels in churches

There were five country churches in a small TEXAS town:
The Presbyterian church, the Baptist church, the Methodist church, the Catholic Church and the Jewish Synagogue.

Each church and synagogue was overrun with pesky squirrels.

One day, the Presbyterian church called a meeting to decide what to do about the squirrels.

 

After much prayer and consideration they determined that the squirrels were predestined to be there and they shouldn’t interfere with God’s divine will.

 

In the BAPTIST CHURCH the squirrels had taken up habitation in the baptistery. The deacons met and decided to put a cover on the baptistery and drown the squirrels in it. The squirrels escaped somehow and there were twice as many there the next week.

The Methodist church got together and decided that they were not in a position to harm any of God’s creation. So, they humanely trapped the Squirrels and set them free a few miles outside of town. Three days later, the squirrels were back.

But the Catholic church came up with the best and most effective solution. They baptized the squirrels and registered them as members of the church. Now they only see them on Christmas and Easter.

 

Not much was heard about the Jewish Synagogue, but they took one squirrel and had a short service with him called ‘circumcision’ and they haven’t seen a squirrel on their property ever since.

Police comments

15 “Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they’re new. They’ll stretch
after you wear them a while

# 14 “If you take your hands off the car, I’ll make your birth certificate a
worthless document.”

#13 “If you run, you’ll only go to jail tired.”

#12 “Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? Because that’s the speed
of the bullet that’ll be chasing you.”

#11 “You don’t know how fast you were going? I guess that means I can write
anything I want to on the ticket, huh?”

#10 “Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don’t think it
will help. Oh, did I mention that I am the shift supervisor?”

#9 “Warning! You want a warning? O. K., I’m warning you not to do that again
or I’ll give you another ticket.”

#8 “The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or
not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?”

#7 “Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to
ride on rides, eat cotton candy and corn dogs and step in monkey poop.”

#6 “Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster
oven.”

#5 “In God we trust, all others we run through NCIC.”

#4 “How big were those ‘Just two beers’ you say you had?”

#3 “No sir, we don’t have quotas anymore. We used to, but now we’re allowed
to write as many tickets as we can.”

#2 “I’m glad to hear that Chief (of Police) Hawker is a personal friend of
yours. So you know someone who can post your bail.”

The Queen and Bush

Air Force One arrives at Heathrow and President Bush strides to a warm and dignified reception from the Queen. They are driven in a 1934 Bentley to the edge of central London where they change to a magnificent 17th  century carriage hitched to six white horses. They continue on towards Buckingham Palace waving to the thousands of cheering Britons; all is going well.

Suddenly the right rear horse lets fly with the most horrendous earth-shattering fart ever heard in the
British Empire . The smell is atrocious!  Both passengers in the carriage must use handkerchiefs over their  noses.  The fart shakes the coach but the two dignitaries of state do their best to ignore the
incident.

The Queen turns to President Bush, “Mr. President, please accept my regrets.  I am sure you understand there are some things that even a queen cannot control.”

George Bush, always trying to be presidential, replied, “Your Majesty, do not give the matter another
thought.  Until you mentioned it, I thought it was one of the horses.”    

Joke

 

 

Two guys talk to each other:

“My wife is an angel”

“Lucky you – my wife is alive”

THE WASHCLOTH

Ladies this has to be read, laughed at and passed.

There isn’t a woman alive today who won’t crack up over

this!

I was due for an appointment with the gynecologist later in the week… Early one morning, I received a call from the doctor’s office to tell me that I had been rescheduled for that morning at 9:30 am. I had only just packed everyone off to work and school, and it was already around 8:45 am The trip to his office took about 35 minutes, so I didn’t have any time to spare.

As most women do, I like to take a little extra effort over hygiene when making such visits, but this time I wasn’t going to be able to make the full effort. So, I rushed upstairs, threw off my pajamas, wet the washcloth that was sitting next to the sink, and gave myself a quick wash in that area to make! sure I was at least presentable. I threw the washcloth in the clothes basket, donned some clothes, hopped in the car and raced to my appointment.

I was in the waiting room for only a few minutes when I was called in. Knowing the procedure, as I’m sure you do, I hopped up on the table, looked over at the other side of the room and pretended that I was in Paris or some other place a million miles away.

I was a little surprised when the doctor said, “My,we have made an extra
effort this morning, haven’t we?” I didn’t respond.

After the appointment, I heaved a sigh of relief and went home. The rest of the day was normal … Some shopping, cleaning, cooking.

After school when my 6 year old daughter was playing,she called out from the bathroom, “Mommy, where’s my washcloth?”

I told her to get another one from the cupboard.

She replied, “No, I need the one that was here by the sink, it had all my glitter and sparkles saved inside it.”

NEVER EVER GOING BACK TO THAT DOCTOR. EVER!!

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Learn from the bull

The sign on the first bull’s stall states: “This bull mated 50 times last year.”
The wife turns to her husband and says, “He mated 50 times in a year, isn’t that nice!.”
They proceed to the next bull and his sign stated: “This bull mated 65 times last year.”
The wife turns to her husband and says, “This one mated 65 times last year. That is over 5 times a month. You could learn from this one!”

They proceeded to the last bull and his sign said: “This bull mated 365 times last year.” The wife’s mouth drops open and says, “WOW! He mated 365 times last year. That is ONCE A DAY!!! You could really learn from this one.”

The fed up man turns to his wife and says, “Go up and inquire if it was 365 times with the same cow.”

Joke

A guy sentenced to death escapes his jail where he’s been kept for the last 15 years. During his run he arrives at a house in the middle of the night. He breaks in, searching for money and weapons. He finds a young couple sleeping. He takes the guy out of the bed and ties him to a chair. Then, while tying the girl to the bed, he kisses her neck. Then, he goes to the bathroom… While he’s away the fiancé says to the girl:

-        Listen my darling, this guy is a prisoner on the run, you’ve seen his clothes… Most probably he hasn’t seen a girl in years. He already kissed your neck… if he wants to go further, don’t try to resist, don’t complain, do what he wants, not more – just give him satisfaction… This guy is surely dangerous and if we resist him, he might kill us. Be strong, my love, you know that I love you!!

The girl replies:

-        He did not kiss my neck – he whispered into my ear that he was gay and told me he finds you sooo cute!! Then he asked if we have Vaseline in the bathroom. Be strong, my love, you know that I love you, too!!

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