The old man and the naked women

An elderly man in North Carolina had owned a large farm for several  years.  He had a large pond in the back, fixed up nice; picnic tables,  horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees. The pond was properly shaped and fixed up for swimming when it was built. One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn’t been there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a five gallon bucket to bring back some fruit. As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.

As he came closer , he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end.

 

One of the women shouted to him, “We’re not coming out until you leave!” The old man frowned and replied, “I didn’t come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked.”
Holding the bucket up he said, “I’m here to feed the alligator.”

Moral: SOME old men can still think fast.

Watch your tongue

It has been brought to management’s attention that some individuals throughout the company have been using foul language during the course of normal conversation with their co-workers.

Due to complaints received from some employees who may be easily offended, this type of language will no longer be tolerated. We do however, realize the critical importance of being able to accurately express your feelings when communicating with co-workers. Therefore, a list of 18 New and Innovative “TRY SAYING” phrases have been provided so that proper exchange of ideas and information can continue in an effective manner.

1) TRY SAYING: I think you could use more training.

INSTEAD OF: You don’t know what the f___ you’re doing.

2) TRY SAYING: She’s an aggressive go-getter.

INSTEAD OF: She’s a ball-busting b__ch.

3) TRY SAYING: Perhaps I can work late.

INSTEAD OF: And when the f___ do you expect me to do this?

4) TRY SAYING: I’m certain that isn’t feasible.

INSTEAD OF: No f____ing way.

5) TRY SAYING: Really?

INSTEAD OF: You’ve got to be sh__ing me!

6) TRY SAYING: Perhaps you should check with…

INSTEAD OF: Tell someone who gives a sh__.

7) TRY SAYING: I wasn’t involved in the project.

INSTEAD OF: It’s not my f______ problem.

8 ) TRY SAYING: That’s interesting.

INSTEAD OF: What the f___?

9) TRY SAYING: I’m not sure this can be implemented.

INSTEAD OF: This sh__ won’t work.

10) TRY SAYING: I’ll try to schedule that.

INSTEAD OF: Why the f____ didn’t you tell me sooner?

11) TRY SAYING: He’s not familiar with the issues.

INSTEAD OF: He’s got his head up his a__.

12) TRY SAYING: Excuse me, sir?

INSTEAD OF: Eat sh__ and die.

13) TRY SAYING: So you weren’t happy with it?

INSTEAD OF: Kiss my a__.

14) TRY SAYING: I’m a bit overloaded at the moment.

INSTEAD OF: F___ it, I’m on salary.

15) TRY SAYING: I don’t think you understand.

INSTEAD OF: Shove it up your a__.

16) TRY SAYING: I love a challenge.

INSTEAD OF: This job sucks.

17) TRY SAYING: You want me to take care of that?

INSTEAD OF: Who the h___ died and made you boss?

18 ) TRY SAYING: He’s somewhat insensitive.

INSTEAD OF: He’s a pr_ck.

Thank You,

Human Resources
__._,_.___

The Queen and Bush

Air Force One arrives at Heathrow and President Bush strides to a warm and dignified reception from the Queen. They are driven in a 1934 Bentley to the edge of central London where they change to a magnificent 17th  century carriage hitched to six white horses. They continue on towards Buckingham Palace waving to the thousands of cheering Britons; all is going well.

Suddenly the right rear horse lets fly with the most horrendous earth-shattering fart ever heard in the
British Empire . The smell is atrocious!  Both passengers in the carriage must use handkerchiefs over their  noses.  The fart shakes the coach but the two dignitaries of state do their best to ignore the
incident.

The Queen turns to President Bush, “Mr. President, please accept my regrets.  I am sure you understand there are some things that even a queen cannot control.”

George Bush, always trying to be presidential, replied, “Your Majesty, do not give the matter another
thought.  Until you mentioned it, I thought it was one of the horses.”    

Joke with parrots

A woman goes to her rabbi with a serious problem. 

Her two female parrots have picked up a bad habit.
Any time she has visitors, the two parrots embarrass her by saying, in unison, “Hi! We’re hookers. Want to have some fun?”
To her surprise, the rabbi breaks into a smile, explaining that he has two male parrots which he has trained to pray and who’ve become very observant, spending much of the day davening in their cage.
He’s confident that if the woman brings her two parrots over to his house, his two parrots will exert such a positive influence that her birds will turn into model parrots.
The next day the woman drives over to the rabbi’s house and brings her two parrots into his home.
As she looks around, she notices a large cage with two parrots, each wearing a little kippah and tiny  tallis and each holding a miniature prayer book while they rock back and forth in prayer. Sure enough, as soon as she places her parrots in the cage, they shout out to their male counterparts:  “Hi! We’re hookers. Want to have some fun?” 

One of the rabbi’s parrots immediately turns to the other, squawking:

“Moishe, put the F’n book down. Our prayers have been answered!”

my favourite joke

Chatting with a bull, a turkey sighed and said, “I would love
to be able to get to the top of that tree, but I haven’t got
the energy.”

“Well, why don’t you nibble on some of my droppings?” replied
the bull. “They’re packed with nutrients.”

The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it actually
gave him enough strength to reach the first branch of the tree.

The next day, after eating some more dung, the turkey reached
the second branch. Finally, after a week, there he was, proudly
perched at the top of the tree.

Soon, though, the turkey was promptly spotted by a farmer, who
shot the turkey from the tree.

Moral of the story: Bullshit might get you to the top, but it
won’t keep you there!

funny items

work vs jail

Just in case you ever get these two environments mixed up, this should make things a little bit clearer.

@ PRISON	@ WORK
you spend the majority of your time in a 10X10 cell	you spend the majority of your time in an 8X8 cubicle
you get three meals a day fully paid for	you get a break for one meal and you have to pay for it
you get time off for good behaviour	you get more work for good behaviour
the guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you	you must often carry a security card and open all the doors for yourself
you can watch TV and play games	you could get fired for watching TV and playing games
you get your own toilet	you have to share the toilet with some people who pee on the seat
they allow your family and friends to visit	you aren’t even supposed to speak to your family
all expenses are paid by the taxpayers with no work required	you get to pay all your expenses to go to work, and they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners
you spend most of your life inside bars wanting to get out	you spend most of your time wanting to get out and go inside bars
you must deal with sadistic wardens	they are called managers
THERE IS SOMETHING SERIOUSLY WRONG WITH THIS PICTURE!!!!

The True Story of Adam and Eve

 

To those of us who have children in our lives, whether they are our own, grandchildren, nieces, nephews, or students… – here is something to make you chuckle.

Whenever your children are out of control, you can take comfort from the thought that even God’s omnipotence did not extend to His own children.

After creating heaven and earth, God created Adam and Eve.

And the first thing he said was “DON’T !”

“Don’t what ?”, Adam replied.

“Don’t eat the forbidden fruit.”, God said.

“Forbidden fruit ? We have forbidden fruit ? – Hey Eve…we have forbidden fruit !”

“No way !”

“Yes way !”

“Do NOT eat the fruit !” … said God.

“Why ?”

“Because I am your Father and I said so!”, God replied, wondering why He hadn’t stopped creation after making the elephants.

A few minutes later, God saw His children having an apple break and He was ticked!

“Didn’t I tell you not to eat the fruit ?”, God asked.

“Uh huh”, Adam replied.

“Then why did you ?”, said the Father.

“I don’t know”, said Eve.

“She started it !”, Adam said.

“Did not !”

“Did too !”

“DID NOT !”

Having had it with the two of them, God’s punishment was that Adam and Eve should have children of their own.

Thus the pattern was set and it has never changed.

BUT THERE IS REASSURANCE IN THE STORY!

If you have persistently and lovingly tried to give children wisdom and they haven’t taken it, don’t be hard on yourself.

If God had trouble raising children, what makes you think it would be a piece of cake for you?

THINGS TO THINK ABOUT:

1. You spend the first two years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next sixteen telling them to sit down and shut up.

2. Grandchildren are God’s reward for not killing your own children.

3. Mothers of teens now know why some animals eat their young.

4. Children seldom misquote you. In fact, they usually repeat word for word what you shouldn’t have said…

5. The main purpose of holding children’s parties is to remind yourself that there are children more awful than your own.

6. We childproofed our homes, but they are still getting in.

ADVICE FOR THE DAY:

Be nice to your kids…They will choose your nursing home one day.

AND FINALLY: IF YOU HAVE A LOT OF TENSION AND YOU GET A HEADACHE, DO WHAT IT SAYS ON THE ASPIRIN BOTTLE:

“TAKE TWO ASPIRIN” and “KEEP AWAY FROM

CHILDREN !!!!!”

I received it and a forwarded it.

Send this on to ten people within the next five minutes… Nothing will happen if you don’t, but if you do, ten people will be laughing…

Courtroom Testimony

 

 

 

 

 

 

These are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm and quiet while these exchanges were actually taking place. 

___________________________________________________

ATTORNEY : When is your birthday?

WITNESS : July 18th.

ATTORNEY : What year?

WITNESS : Every year.
___________________________________________________

ATTORNEY : What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?

WITNESS : Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
___________________________________________________

ATTORNEY : This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?

WITNESS : Yes.

ATTORNEY : And in what ways does it affect your memory?

WITNESS : I forget.

ATTORNEY : You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
___________________________________________________

ATTORNEY : How old is your son, the one living with you?

WITNESS : Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can’t remember which.

ATTORNEY : How long has he lived with you?

WITNESS : Forty-five years. 

___________________________________________________

ATTORNEY : Are you sexually active?

WITNESS : No, I just lie there.
___________________________________________________

ATTORNEY : What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?

WITNESS : He said, “Where am I, Cathy?”

ATTORNEY : And why did that upset you?

WITNESS : My name is Susan.
___________________________________________________

 

ATTORNEY : Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?

WITNESS : We both do.

ATTORNEY : Voodoo?

WITNESS : We do.

ATTORNEY : You do?

WITNESS : Yes, voodoo.
___________________________________________________

ATTORNEY : Now doctor, isn’t it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn’t know about it until the next morning?

WITNESS : Did you actually pass the bar exam?
___________________________________________________ 

ATTORNEY : The youngest son, the twenty-one year-old, how old is he?

WITNESS : Uh, he’s twenty-one.
___________________________________________________

ATTORNEY : Were you present when your picture was taken?

WITNESS : Would you repeat the question?
___________________________________________________

ATTORNEY : So the date of conception of the baby was August 8th?

WITNESS : Yes.

ATTORNEY : And what were you doing at that time?

WITNESS : Uh….
___________________________________________________

 

ATTORNEY : She had three children, right?

WITNESS : Yes.

ATTORNEY : How many were boys?

WITNESS : None.

ATTORNEY : Were there any girls?
___________________________________________________

 

ATTORNEY : How was your first marriage terminated?

WITNESS : By death.

ATTORNEY : And by whose death was it terminated?
___________________________________________________

ATTORNEY : Can you describe the individual?

WITNESS : He was about medium height and had a beard.

ATTORNEY : Was this a male or a female?
___________________________________________________

ATTORNEY : Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?

WITNESS : All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
___________________________________________________

ATTORNEY : ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?

WITNESS : Oral.
___________________________________________________

ATTORNEY : Do you recall the time that you examined the body?

WITNESS : The autopsy started around 8:30 pm.

ATTORNEY : And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?

WITNESS : No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him!
___________________________________________________

ATTORNEY : Are you qualified to give a urine sample?

WITNESS : Huh?
___________________________________________________

As for the last!!! 

ATTORNEY : Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?

WITNESS : No.

ATTORNEY : Did you check for blood pressure?

 

WITNESS : No.

ATTORNEY : Did you check for breathing?

WITNESS : No.

ATTORNEY : So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?

WITNESS : No. 

 

ATTORNEY : How can you be so sure, Doctor?

WITNESS : Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.

ATTORNEY : But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?

WITNESS : Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

___________________________________________________

Men Are Just Happier People —

What do you expect from such simple creatures?

Your last name stays put.

The garage is all yours.

Wedding plans take care of themselves. Chocolate is just another snack.

You can never be pregnant.

You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.

You can wear NO shirt to a water park.

Car mechanics tell you the truth.

The world is your urinal.

You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky.

You don’t have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.

Same work, more pay.

Wrinkles add character.

Wedding dress-$5000. Tux rental-$100.

People never stare at your chest when you’re talking to them.

The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.

New shoes don’t cut, blister, or mangle your feet.

One mood all the time.

Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.

You know stuff about tanks.

A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.

You can open all your own jars.

You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.

If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.

Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.

Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.

You almost never have strap problems in public.

You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.

Everything on your face stays its original colour.

The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.

You only have to shave your face and neck.

You can play with toys all your life.

Your belly usually hides your big hips.

One wallet and one pair of shoes — one colour for all seasons.

You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.

You can ‘do’ your nails with a pocket knife.

You have freedom of choice concerning growing a moustache.

You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.

No wonder men are happier.